Love Advice
by bamboozled shuriken
Summary: Kushina and Minato appear to Naruto as he sleeps and lecture him on his love life, through their own particular...methods.Rated T for mild violence and womanly wiles. Multiple pairings.  In the process of being rewritten, and chapter 2 is up!
1. Chapter 1

November 19, 2011-Hey there, people! Just a quick note before this gets started. I know this was published in 2010, but looking back at it now, I'm really not happy with how it reads. I've uploaded a revamped chapter 2,and I'll be editing this version soon enough! I was originally going to keep this as a oneshot, but one morning (i.e. today) I went "Hey, I've got a new chapter hidden on my computer, I might as well edit it and post it!" So yes, I plan to make this an actual story with actual chapters and actual characters. Yay.

Now that I have a plot defined, I have pairings defined! Aren't you happy?

Pairings will be: Minato/Kushina, Naruto/Hinata, Naruto/Sakura, and maybe Naruto/Sasuke. None of this will be taken seriously.

* * *

_Hey Naruto…_

_Naruto…wake up…_

_NARUTO! GET YOUR SORRY ASS UP-TTEBANE!_

Naruto gasped, jumping out of his bed and brandishing a kunai against whoever had punched him on the head. He quickly scanned his surroundings, before realizing that he was in front of the kyuubi cage where he had resealed the fox. "Well, this can't be good…" he muttered, gripping his kunai tightly."

_Did you really have to hit him?_

_A true ninja must always be alert!_

…_hypocrite_

_WHAT-_

"Oy! Who's there?"

"Ah, hey Naruto!" A vaguely familiar voice said cheerfully. "Over here!"

He jumped back, facing his attackers, only to discover…his mom and dad. Drinking tea. In front of a giant demon fox.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEH? Mom? Dad? What the hell are you guys doing here! I thought you both faded away or something-ttebayo! You said I could only talk to you once!"

Minato smiled. "I said I could only do the seal once. I can come out here whenever I want."

Naruto frowned, closing his eyes and scratching his head. "Then what about mom?"

"She…why are you here anyway, Kushina?" Minato frowned, turning towards Kushina, who looked as if she was silently fuming.

"What do you think?" She demanded. "At first I'm all hoity-toity and happy about moving on to the afterlife (Jiraiya-sama says hi, by the way) and then I learn that _he_" she pointed a finger dramatically at Naruto, "had someone confess to him. So I get all excited about grankids-"

"WHAT?" Naruto squawked.

"Shut up! Anyway, I'm all excited, and then I come down here and figure out you HAVEN'T EVEN RESPONDED YET. What the _hell_ do you have to say for yourself, young man?"

"You came down for _that_?" Minato voiced, sounding incredulous. "Believe me, I'm all for having a bunch of boys running around the house, but-"

"WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT BOYS, EH? YOU SEXIST PIG!" Kushina roared, throwing her cup of tea at Minato's head, who immediately dived under the table to avoid being splashed. "No, no!" Minato cried, dodging yet another spray of tea. " I didn't mean it like that! All I'm saying is that-"

"Wait…"Naruto muttered. "What confession?" He immediately knew that he'd said the wrong thing as soon as his mother turned her glare onto him. "Na-ru-TOOOOO! You absolute idiot! How could you not TELL, she even said SHE LOVED YOU! I should-"

"Wait…Hinata-chan?" Naruto said incredulously. "I thought she mean as…as friends or something!"

"She...she said she loved you, Naruto! I think its pretty obvious what she meant." Minato pointed out, crawling out from under the table and once again looking incredulous. He seemed to be doing that a lot these days.

"Yeah, but...I love ramen. That doesn't mean that I want to marry it." Naruto scratched his head again. _Though think of all the free ramen I could get...actually, maybe-_

"Naruto! Concentrate!" Kushina demanded. "You are going to have to do something about this!"

"Hey, hey, hey." Minato chimed in nervously. "He's got a lot going on right now, maybeeee...er...uh, I mean, uh, though I guess now is good as ever." He immediately backtracked, seeing the glare Kushina was giving him.

"So, Naruto?" Her mother smiled at him, sending chills up his spine. "What do you plan to do about this?"

Funny. He hadn't remembered his mom being so threatening last time she'd seen him.

"Um...talk to her? Get her a gift?"

"That's an idea, I guess." Kushina muttered, cooling off a bit.

"Er...what should I get her?"

"Flowers." Kushina suggested.

"Exploding tags?" Ventured Minato, earning another glare from Kushina.

"**CHOCOLATES**" the kyuubi chimed in from its cage, resulting in Naruto, Minato and Kushina all jumping before lapsing into a few seconds of stunned silence.

Naruto was the first to recover. "Did you…did you just give me _advice_?"

The kyuubi sniffed. "**CONTRARY TO POPULAR OPINION, I AM NOT JUST A DESTRUCTIVE FOX SPIRIT.**"

"You…you never gave _me_ love advice!" Kushina shouted, pointing a finger accusingly at the kyuubi.

"You asked the kyuubi for _love advice_?" Minato asked incredulously.

"Hey! You weren't responding to my womanly wiles!"

"_Womanly Wiles?"_

For Naruto, this was not exactly how he wanted to find out how he was born. "Alright, I'll, uh, go talk to her." He laughed nervously. "So its fine, completely fine, I can take care of it!" Hopefully, his mother wouldn't realize the hysteria in his voice. He noticed his father nodding sympathetically at him.

"Hmph." Kushina pouted. "Fine. But I'll be back!" she warned, cracking her knuckles even as she faded away.

o.o.o.o.o

Naruto woke up almost immediately, gasping. He resolved to buy some chocolates for Hinata as soon as possible.

* * *

Yeah, Kushina is way to violent, but I think its funnier this way, neh?

Anyways, if you go ahead and drop a review, I'd greatly appreciate it!

November 19,2011-So yeah! I will get this rewritten and redone as soon as possible! Thanks to everyone who patiently waited for this!


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, I think I owe anyone still reading this a huge apology. This was originally meant to be a one-shot, but so many people wanted another chapter that I figured hey, why not? So I wrote this, and it sat gathering dust on my computer for half a year. When I came back to it, I realized how terrible the writing was, and filled with righteous (or not) fury, I decided to revamp it. So yes, I will be continuing this for as long as anyone is willing to read it. Again, I apologize for taking so long on this. Chapter One looks like utter crap looking back, so I'll rewrite that as well.

Thanks for waiting!

* * *

"Dad...why are you following me?" Naruto turned, around, frowning slightly at the slightly-transparent yondaime who was cheerfully walking along the streets of his old villag marketplace. It was still relatively early, and many vendors were setting up their stands in the morning haze. Minato only shrugged. "Well, your dear mother wanted me to follow you around until you and this girl started getting jiggy with it."

_Jiggy...?_

Naruto shook his head, dispelling any thoughts of old man slang before they fried his brain. Behind him, Minato came to a halt. "I can hear your thoughts, you know." Minato stated, looking vaguely annoyed. "And I'll have you know that jiggy is _perfectly_ acceptable slang...anyway, back to the topic on point. I am, as Kushina stated, supposed to follow you around until you that one Hyuuga are able to stay together for at least a month, at which point Kushina will return to the afterlife and I will return to the Shikigami's stomach. We will both remain there until you finally die, wherein the shikigami will allow us to be reunited and everything will be happy and bursting with flowers and unicorns will barf rainbows."

_He sure is a lot more gutsy when mom isn't around. _Naruto thought. _ But I have to say...that actually sounds kind of nice. I guess this couldn't be that bad..._

"But." Minato once again said, completely deraling Naruto's thoughts. "If you somehow manage to screw this up, Kushina will come back to pay you a visit, as well as most likely dragging me along. And believe me, you really don't want that...and if you had to deal with Kushina on a daily basis, you'd be terrified as well."

"But I already asked Hinata-chan!" Naruto squawked. "How long is mom going to be doing this?"

"Probably until we get grandkids." Minato replied nonchalantly, completely ignoring the look of horror on his son's face as he examined the frying pans that one man had set up in his marketplace stall.

Why frying pans, you ask? The world will ever know.

"G-g-g-g-grand-k-k-" Naruto stuttered, not even getting the word out. "B-b-but it-I-it...grandkids? But I've barely even talked to Hinata-chan! And she always faints whenever she sees me! She doesn't even like me that much!"

"Naruto, I didn't spend the last sixteen years of my life doing nothing in your sub-consciousness!" Minato declared. "...Okay, I spent _most_ of the time doing nothing, but_ moving on_. Think about it! That girl was practically following you around everywhere."

...

Naruto paused.

...

Comprehension dawned on his face.

...

He realized what he should have realized long, long ago.

...

"_HINATA-CHAN IS A STALKER?_" A scream, high enough to pierce solid glass.

Minato flinched, covering his ears from the ungodly noise that was Naruto completely freaking out. The boy shrieked, earning himself a few looks of sympathy for the crazy orange ninja talking to himself. Naruto thought back to all the times Hinata had just happened to meet with him, and how she'd always had food or a gift...no matter...where...he...went..._oh my god_. "She's...she's like those kidnappers who lure little kids with candy! _ SHE IS LURING ME WITH CANDY DAD._"

Minato slapped his forehead. "No. Well, maybe a bit...kinda...okay, yes, but that's not the point-"

"She was stalking me my entire life! EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIIIIEEE!"

"She was doing it because she liked you, Naruto!" Minato practically screamed to his hyperventilating son. If he wasn't intangible, he would've been shaking Naruto's shoulders. After all, if he didn't succeed, Kushina would be the one after him, and he'd take a god of death over her any day...But alas, Naruto was too caught up in his own world.

"Hinata-chan…stalker…whole time…saw me going to the toilet…stalker…_stalker_..._STALKER_."

His father slammed his head into the nearest poor wall available. Nevermind the fact that his head went through the wall, but hey, it was the thought that count. The yondaime hokage turned guidance councilor took a deep breath. "Okay, Naruto. Let me make this clear to you. As your father, I am ordering you to_ go out with this girl __before your mother kills me_."

"But Daaaaaad," Naruto whined. "You're the one who sealed a giant fox in me. You owe me...and you're already dead!"

Minato sighed, his insides squirming slightly in guilt. It was a good point, but there was no way in hell he would face Kushina's wrath. He'd have to come up with a way to convince Naruto, and soon. "Naruto, has anyone ever told you the story of Jiraiya peeping on Tsunade?"

Naruto frowned. "Yeah, Yamato-taichou told me a while ago. Didn't she almost kill him with her super-strength or something? Anyway, what does that have to do with anything?"

Minato, ever the master of epic fatherly advice, gave a triumphant smile. "Tsunade-sama has super strength. Your mother has enormous amounts of chakra, about 1000 clones she could clobber us with, lots of different jutsus, and one of the most powerful chakra entities in the world sealed in her. Now, what does that tell you about disagreeing with her?"

"...Fine. But where am I even supposed to take her? I didn't even get to ask her that part before she fainted!"

"I don't know, why don't you just get dinner together or something?"

"Yeah! Like...like...Ichiraku's!" Naruto proclaimed happily. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

"Uh..." His dad stammered, desperately looking for a way to solve the situation. "Naruto...ramen might not be the best idea...I mean, couldn't you take her out somewhere nicer?"

...

"RAMEN IS ALWAYS THE BEST IDEA!" Naruto screamed with enough force to shake the entire village, and severely freaking out his dad. Once again, people started staring at the strange orange ninja, though this time their faces were filled more with fear than with sympathy.

Jeez, he's just like Kushina...Minato thought to himself, shivering as he recalled the long nights of Kushina's pregnancy in which she had eaten nothing but ramen, immediately going into a temper at the slightest provocations. No! Bad Memories! Bad! Shoving the memories of the Night-That-Must-Not-Be-Mentioned to a tiny corner in his brain, Minato turned back to his son, composing himself.

"Still, don't you think Hinata would appreciate it if you took her out somewhere...er...nicer?"

Naruto blinked up at him, completely unaware. "Ichiraku is nice, Dad!"

"I'm not saying that it isn't, I'm just saying that every once in a while, it might be nice to eat something besides ramen."

Funny, he could remember having the exact conversation with Kushina years ago. Still, he was assured that Naruto, already one of the strongest shinobi in the village, would act more mature and understanding than his wife had, especially when it came to matters of love.

"WHAT THE HELL, DAD? NOTHING IS BETTER THAN RAMEN! NOTHING!"

..or not. Minato sighed, resigning himself to an afterlife filled with crazy ramen obsessed family members. All he wanted was a peaceful afterlife...was that really asking for much?

"Hey, there's Kakashi-sensei! Let's ask him!"

...apparently it was. Sigh.

* * *

And there you go. I promise I'll try to get update out quicker this time!


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